[Scene: Inside Donald Trump’s limo. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus is riding shotgun. Donald and Melania are sitting in the back seat.]
Melania: Donald, my ankles are really, really hurting me right now. I would like to rest them for a while.
Donald: What do you say?
Melania: Donald, no not now.
Donald: Say it.
Melania [reluctantly]: O King of the World, my Sweet, my Love, you are the best thing that has happened to me.
Donald [gestures for her to continue]. …and?
Melania [rolls her eyes and sighs]. And no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be as hot as Ivanka.
Donald [calls to the chauffeur]: Driver, please make sure there’s a wheelchair when we stop. Thank you!
[Scene: The limo pulls up next to a park. A wheelchair is brought over. Donald sits in it.]
Donald: Melania… push me.
Melania [aggravated] agrees.
Donald: Thank you sweetie. I love you. Reince, isn’t Melania terrific?
Reince: Yes sir.
[Donald and his entourage pass a group of kindergartners on a D.C. field trip. A few of the kids recognize the president.]
Kid #1: Hey I know you. You’re a poopy head.
Kid #2: Yah, you’re a booby poopy head. You stink.
Kid #1: Nan-ny-nan-ny-poo-poo-you’re-a-doo-dy.
[More kids point and laugh. Donald and his entourage ignore them. Later in the day, Donald is talking to Reince Preibus.]
[Scene: Donald and Reince talking in the Oval Office.]
Donald: Reince, you know my feelings about Guantanamo Bay.
Reince: Yes, Mr. President, I do.
Donald: I’d like to lift the age requirement on Guantanamo.
Reince: Okay, what do you mean, sir?
Donald: What’s the youngest a prisoner was transferred to Guantanamo?
Reince: Ummmm, it looks like 13 but they were convicted on terrorism charges. Even in that circumstance, the move was deemed by many to be controversial.
Donald: I think we should lift it altogether. No age is too young for prisoners to be there. They’re all bad hombres, right?
Reince: Mr. President, do you understand what you’re saying?
Donald: Of course, of course, of course. But I ran into some bad, bad people today. They said some very awful things me. Horrifying, absolutely horrifying things.
Reince: The 5-year-olds sir? They’re 5! They don’t know any better! You want to lift the age requirement on Guantanamo prisoners so you can send 5 year old kids to prison?!?!?!? Sir that’s absurd.
Donald: Reince, let me ask you something. Do you like your job here? Do you enjoy your work? Because what if you didn’t have a job here? What if you were out on the street like the 5 billion people across the nation?
Reince: 5 billion?!?!?! What?!? It’s nowhere close to that many people unemployed right now.
Donald: Let me consult my expert on this.
[Donald calls Kellyanne Conway]
Donald: Kellyanne, how many people are unemployed in this country right now?
[Kellyanne consults a blank piece of paper before responding]
Kellyanne: 3 gazillion people, Donald.
Donald: Thanks Kelly. You see, Reince. 3 gazillion people are unemployed right now. And I could make it 3 gazillion and one if you don’t cooperate.
Reince: Yes sir, I see. What’s your plan of action?
Donald: I want a ‘devil incarnate’ conference first.
Reince: A what?
Donald: Bannon doesn’t like when I refer to them as the press.
[Scene: CNN, NBC, Washington Post, New York Times reporters all start filing in to the media room. Steve Bannon is waiting to greet them at the entrance.]
Bannon: Everyone, thank you for coming today. Before you sit down in the room, I’m going to ask you to relinquish your microphones, notepads, pens/paper, tape recorders and phones. In addition, I kindly ask that you let our staff puncture your eardrums, resulting in permanent hearing loss.
Reporters: What? Why?
Bannon: Listen, I let you have your conference; the least you can do is make it so you cannot hear the words coming out of the President’s mouth. If any reporters here are already hearing impaired, I’ll ask you to wait in solitary confinement until the conference is over. After all, we can’t afford to have you people using your hands or fingers or whatever it is you use to lie about the President. Please … have some respect for the Office.
[Scene: Trump supporters Billy Jo and Bobbie Sue McCoy are at home watching Fox News, and their twin six-year-old boys, David and Duke are playing with a slingshot in the family room. Donald Trump is holding a press conference on Fox News.]
Donald: I was walking down the street the other day with Melania and Reince when I was accosted by three men who shouted things to me that nobody should have to hear. Nobody …
[Billy Jo and Bobbie Sue are disgusted at this news.]
Billy Jo: I bet they were Killary supporters.
Bobbie Sue: Mmhmm, you’re right baby.
Billy Jo: We all know women don’t belong in the White House.
Bobbie Sue: Mmhmm, you’re right again, baby.
Billy Jo: Take me. I’ve got a fine woman right here. She knows she can do things, lots of things, like baking – carrot cakes, birthday cakes, Bundt cakes, apple cakes, fruit cakes, cheesecakes, pound cakes and don’t even get me started on her cooking. Fried chicken, fried steak, and sometimes chicken fried steak. Eggs, bacon, and sometimes bacon fried eggs.
Bobbie Sue: Mmhmm, you’re right again, baby. I got skills.
[35 minutes in to press conference]
Donald: … these words were so hurtful to me, I cried to Melania afterwards. She whispered in my ear, telling me everything was going to be okay. I rely on her for so much. So much. How about a hand for Melania?
[Footage from Barack Obama’s 2013 inauguration is shown.]
Donald: In light of these comments by these Hillary supporters, we’re going to Make America Great Again by lifting the age requirements on Guantanamo prisoners.
[Footage from Barack Obama’s 2009 inauguration is shown.]
Billy Jo: Hell yeah! That’s what we need to do. No more political correctness. If you’re a kid and not eating dinner, having a temper tantrum or just cooing the wrong way, you deserve to spend some time in a detention center. Donald’s gonna Make America Great Again one spoiled brat at a time.
[Knock at the door from Donald’s Outstanding, Unbelievable, Crew Hording Everyone (DOUCHE) Agents]
Agents: Mr. and Mrs. McCoy, we’re here to take your kids to Guantanamo.
Bobby Sue and Billy Jo: But … but.